My partner compares me to their exes in bed
You're Not Alone
"My ex used to do it like this." "My ex loved that." You do not want to hear about their exes, especially during intimacy. It makes you feel like you are being graded against someone else, and it kills the mood. You have tried dropping hints, tried being patient, tried understanding their perspective, but nothing seems to work. The pattern keeps repeating itself, and you are starting to lose hope that things will ever change. You find yourself questioning whether your feelings are valid, whether you are asking for too much, or whether this relationship can truly meet your needs. The emotional toll is real. You might feel anxious when bringing up issues, resentful when they go unaddressed, or exhausted from constantly managing your expectations. You deserve better than this constant cycle of disappointment and frustration. Your needs matter, your feelings are valid, and you have every right to expect your partner to show up for you emotionally and physically in this relationship.
What To Say
I need to talk about something that really hurts me. When we are being intimate, you sometimes bring up your ex and compare what we do to what you did with them. I know you might not mean it that way, but it makes me feel like I am not good enough or like you are wishing I was someone else. Can you please stop doing that? I want our intimacy to be about us, not about your past. I want you to know that I am bringing this up because I care about us and I want our relationship to work. I am not trying to attack you or make you feel bad. I am trying to open a door for us to communicate better and find solutions together. I need you to really listen to what I am saying without getting defensive or shutting down. This matters to me, and I need it to matter to you too. I am willing to work on this together, but I need you to meet me halfway. I need you to acknowledge how this is affecting me and commit to making real changes. Can we agree to take this seriously and work on it as a team? Because I cannot keep feeling this way. I love you, and I want us to build something stronger together, but that requires both of us to be honest and willing to grow.
What To Do Next
If they apologize and stop, great. If they get defensive and say you are overreacting, this is a red flag. Comparing your current partner to exes during sex is cruel and shows a lack of emotional intelligence. No one wants to be thinking about someone else is ex while being intimate. The conversation you just had is only the beginning. Real change does not happen overnight. It happens through consistent effort, accountability, and follow-through. After this discussion, you both need to establish concrete action steps. Do not let this conversation fade into the background like so many others might have. Write down what was agreed upon. Set a timeline for checking in on progress. Make it clear that this is not just about having a conversation, but about creating lasting behavioral change. If your partner agrees to make changes but then falls back into old patterns within days or weeks, that tells you something important about their level of commitment. Pay attention to their actions, not just their words. Are they following through? Are they making genuine efforts? Or are they just telling you what you want to hear to end the conflict? You deserve a partner who takes your concerns seriously and puts in the work to address them. If they cannot or will not do that, you have to ask yourself whether this relationship is truly serving your needs and your happiness. Sometimes love is not enough if the fundamental respect and effort are not there.
Safety First
If they continue to bring up exes even after you have asked them to stop, this is emotional abuse. They are deliberately making you feel insecure. You deserve better. If your partner responds to your concerns with anger, threats, intimidation, or violence, this is a major red flag that goes beyond normal relationship conflict. Healthy partners can disagree and even argue, but they do not resort to abusive tactics to control or silence you. If you ever feel physically unsafe, if your partner threatens you or themselves, if they destroy property to scare you, or if they isolate you from friends and family as punishment, these are signs of abuse. Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is. You can reach out to trained professionals who specialize in abusive relationships. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) is available 24/7 and can provide confidential support, safety planning, and resources. You do not have to stay in a situation where you feel scared, controlled, or diminished. Your safety and wellbeing come first, always. There is no shame in reaching out for help. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and valued in your relationship.
Read Our Complete Safety GuideTips & Tricks
If it happens again, stop immediately and say "I told you this bothers me. We are not doing this." Set a hard boundary. Also, ask yourself: are they still hung up on their ex? That is a bigger problem. One of the most important skills in relationship communication is timing. Do not try to have serious conversations when either of you is tired, hungry, stressed, or distracted. Pick a moment when you are both relatively calm and have the mental and emotional energy to engage. Sometimes that means scheduling a specific time to talk rather than bringing it up spontaneously. You might say something like, "Can we set aside an hour tomorrow evening to talk about something important to me?" This gives both of you time to prepare mentally. Another crucial element is using "I" statements instead of "you" accusations. Instead of saying "You never listen to me," try "I feel unheard when I am talking and you are on your phone." This frames the issue as your experience rather than an attack on their character, which makes them less likely to get defensive. Also, be specific about what you need. Do not just say "I need more attention." Say "I would like us to have a 15-minute check-in conversation every evening where we both put our phones away and talk about our day." Specific, actionable requests are much easier for your partner to understand and implement than vague complaints.
Don't Let This Happen Again
This script will help you start the conversation, but to prevent this issue from coming up again, you need a long-term solution. Our User Manual is designed specifically for situations like this.
