Queer, trans and nonbinary in kink: an inclusive guide

Questions worth asking every partner

• Which name and pronouns should I use, during the scene and outside it?
• Which words do you like for your body and its parts, and which words should I avoid?
• Are there parts of your body you do not want touched, looked at or talked about?
• Which roles and dynamics interest you, regardless of what people usually expect of you?
• Are there gendered words in play, such as titles, praise or degradation, that feel good, and others that feel bad?
• Does any of this change on days when you feel different in your body?

Assumptions to leave behind

• That someone's gender predicts whether they dominate or submit
• That a trans person wants to answer curious questions about surgeries or medical history
• That words for genitals are neutral: for some people they are the most painful part of a scene
• That a queer couple has one "man" and one "woman" role
• That nonbinary means androgynous, or that anyone owes you an explanation of their identity

Dysphoria-aware negotiation

• Ask which touch, positions and words feel good, which feel neutral and which feel bad
• Agree on words for body parts together and use them consistently, including in dirty talk
• Agree on a quiet signal for dysphoria in addition to your safewords, so it can be raised without stopping everything
• Respect that clothing, a binder or packing gear may stay on during play
• Check in after the scene: dysphoria sometimes shows up later, during aftercare or the next day
• Let limits change over time: what felt bad last year may feel good now, and the other way round

Safer binding and tucking during play

• Use a binder made for binding, in the right size, never elastic bandages or tape not made for skin
• Plan breaks: many trans health resources suggest wearing a binder for no more than about eight hours a day, and less on active days
• Take the binder off for long or physically intense scenes, and never sleep in it
• Stop at once for shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness, numbness or sharp pain in the ribs
• When tucking, avoid adding genital bondage, tight straps or impact to the area, and take breaks so skin and circulation can recover
• Use tape designed for skin, remove it slowly and check for irritation afterwards

Avoid

• Rope, cuffs on the upper arms or harnesses over a binder
• Smothering or face sitting while someone is binding
• Long stress positions that compress the chest or groin
• Touching, removing or commenting on someone's binder or tucking without explicit agreement
• Pushing through pain to keep a look intact

Protect yourself and others

• Use a scene name and a separate email address or profile if you want to keep parts of your life apart
• Ask before taking any photo, and make sure people in the background have agreed too
• Do not confirm whether someone attends an event, even to people who seem to know them
• Talk with partners early about who knows what, so nobody outs you by accident
• Decide in advance how you will respond if someone recognizes you outside the scene

Signs a space takes inclusion seriously

• A written code of conduct that names transphobia, racism and outing as violations
• An awareness team or consent team you can approach during the event
• Space for names and pronouns on name tags or sign-up forms
• Gender-neutral changing areas and toilets
• Organizers who respond to complaints and are open about how they handle them
• Newcomer meetings where you can ask questions before you play

Where to start looking

• Local queer centers and LGBTIQ* organizations, which often know the kink groups in their region
• Pride events (called CSD in Germany and Switzerland), where leather and fetish groups often have stands or join the parade
• Online communities and event calendars, read carefully before you go
• Recommendations from people you trust who already attend
• Munches in public venues, where you can meet people without any expectation to play

What you can do

• Note what happened, when and who was there, while it is fresh
• Tell the hosts, the awareness team or a person you trust at the event
• Leave if you feel unsafe: your safety comes before politeness
• Look for allies, since many groups have members who will back you up
• Get support afterwards from friends, a queer counseling center or a helpline

Points that are easy to miss

• Hormones can change tissue and natural lubrication, which can make small tears and infections more likely
• After genital surgery, ask your clinic which tests and barriers fit your anatomy
• Shared toys need a fresh condom or thorough cleaning between partners and between anal and vaginal use
• Checkpoints and AIDS service organizations in all three countries offer low-threshold, often anonymous testing with staff used to queer clients