Safety handbook

Valid consent is

• Freely given: no pressure, coercion or manipulation
• Enthusiastic: a clear "yes", not just the absence of a "no"
• Informed: everyone fully understands what will happen
• Specific: agreeing to one act is not agreeing to every act
• Reversible: it can be withdrawn at any time
• Clear-headed: not impaired by alcohol or drugs
• Conscious: everyone is fully awake, aware and present
• Ongoing: it is reaffirmed throughout, not given once and assumed

Not valid consent

• Silence or a lack of resistance
• Having agreed to similar activities in the past
• Agreement given under pressure or threat
• Agreement given while intoxicated or otherwise impaired
• Agreement from someone who cannot legally or mentally consent (because of age or capacity)
• Assumptions based on clothing, location or relationship status
• Agreement obtained through deception
• Agreement that the person is not allowed to take back

Think critically, do not follow blindly

• Popular does not mean safe: trends can be dangerous.
• Others doing it does not mean you should: your limits are yours alone.
• Fiction is not reality: porn and erotica skip the safety steps.
• Experience does not make someone right: check information against several sources.
• What worked for them may not work for you: bodies and minds differ.

Trustworthy sources

• Medical professionals and sex educators
• Established BDSM education organizations
• Peer-reviewed research
• Safety-focused community resources
• Several independent sources that agree on safety practices
• Resources that cite their sources

Question these sources

• Anonymous online forums without any verification
• A single source that nobody else backs up
• Advice that dismisses safety concerns
• Content that promotes risky behavior
• Sources that claim "everyone does it this way"
• Advice that discourages you from asking questions

Before: negotiation and preparation

• Discuss all boundaries and hard limits
• Share medical conditions, injuries and triggers
• Agree on safe words and non-verbal signals
• Discuss the specific activities you plan
• Review the anatomy and safety points for each activity
• Plan aftercare for everyone involved
• Set realistic time limits
• Confirm sober, enthusiastic consent
• Prepare an emergency plan and supplies
• Share STI status and test results if sexual contact is involved
• Agree on what to do if something goes wrong

During: the active scene

• Check in regularly, both verbally and non-verbally
• Watch for signs of distress or discomfort
• Respect safe words immediately
• Say what you are about to do before you do it
• Watch for physical warning signs such as color changes or numbness
• Adjust based on responses and feedback
• Stay present and attentive
• Never leave a restrained person alone
• Keep safety tools within reach
• Be ready to stop at any moment

After: aftercare and debrief

• Provide the aftercare you agreed on
• Offer emotional support and reassurance
• Check for injuries or worrying symptoms
• Stay together while emotions settle
• Talk about what worked and what did not
• Address any concerns that came up
• Follow up within 24 to 48 hours
• Watch for sub drop or top drop in the following days
• Update limits and boundaries as needed
• Seek medical help if needed

Non-verbal signals

• Hand signals: an agreed gesture or number of taps (for example, three taps means stop)
• Dropping a held object, such as a ball or a set of keys
• Humming an agreed tune or pattern
• Snapping fingers, if the hands are free
• Clear, vigorous head shaking

Physical aftercare

• Hydration: water or electrolyte drinks
• Nutrition: light snacks, especially after an intense scene
• Warmth: blankets or a warm shower to help regulate body temperature
• Wound care: clean and treat any marks, cuts or abrasions
• Pain relief: a cold pack for bruises and suitable pain medication if needed
• Rest: time to recover physically and decompress
• Massage: gentle touch can help both physical and emotional recovery
• Bathroom needs: especially after bondage or long scenes
• Circulation check: make sure restraints have not caused numbness or nerve problems

Emotional aftercare

• Reassurance: kind words and emotional support
• Physical comfort: cuddling, holding and gentle touch
• Validation: acknowledge feelings without judgment
• Grounding: help each other return to the here and now
• Processing: talk through the experience, if you both want to
• Patience: allow time for emotions to settle
• Presence: stay together during this vulnerable time
• Comfort activities: favorite films, music or rituals
• Sleep: rest together if possible

Impact play (spanking, flogging, caning): safer zones

• Buttocks (the fleshy areas)
• Upper back, avoiding the spine
• Thighs, avoiding the inner thigh
• Shoulders

Impact play: danger zones

• Kidneys (lower back)
• Spine and neck
• Joints such as knees and elbows
• Head and face
• Genitals, unless you have specific knowledge and experience

Bondage and restraints

• Never leave a restrained person alone, not even briefly.
• Keep safety scissors within immediate reach.
• Check circulation every 10 to 15 minutes: color, temperature and sensation.
• Learn proper rope techniques, because poor tying can cause nerve damage.
• Never put restraints around the neck, because of the risk of strangulation.
• Follow the two-finger rule: you should be able to slide two fingers under any restraint.
• Release immediately if there is tingling, numbness or a change in color.
• Use quick-release options for all restraints.

Breath play: what you need to know

• There is no completely safe way to restrict breathing.
• Deaths happen even with experienced practitioners.
• Unconsciousness can happen within seconds, and brain damage can follow within minutes.
• Loss of consciousness is a medical emergency.
• Never put ligatures such as ropes or belts around the neck.
• If you choose to engage despite the risks, research extensively, start with the absolute minimum and never do it alone.

Wax play

• Use only low-temperature candles made for wax play (typically soy or plain paraffin).
• Avoid beeswax, scented or decorative candles: they burn too hot.
• Test the temperature on your own skin first.
• Keep hair and anything flammable well away from the flame.
• Have burn treatment ready.
• Avoid the face, genitals and other sensitive areas until you are experienced.
• The higher you hold the candle, the cooler the wax is when it lands.

Knife play and other edge play

• Use the dull spine of the blade for sensation without the risk of cutting.
• If cutting is involved, use sterile tools and provide proper wound care.
• Stay well away from major blood vessels and vital areas.
• Have a first aid kit ready.
• Understand the risks of blood-borne infections.
• Never play while intoxicated.

Electrical play

• Use only devices designed for use on the body, such as TENS units or violet wands.
• Never use household electricity: it can be lethal.
• Never use electrical play on anyone with a heart condition or a pacemaker.
• Never run current across the chest or near the heart.
• Avoid the head and neck.
• Research the safety of your specific device thoroughly.

Body-safe materials

• Silicone: non-porous and easy to clean
• Glass: non-porous and suitable for temperature play
• Stainless steel: non-porous and durable
• ABS plastic: hard, non-porous and body-safe
• Medical-grade materials: designed for contact with the body

Materials to avoid or use with care

• Jelly: porous and may contain phthalates
• PVC: can contain harmful chemicals
• Rubber: porous and can harbor bacteria
• TPE and TPR: porous, so they cannot be fully sanitized; use with a condom and do not share
• "Novelty" items: often made from unsafe materials

Cleaning and maintenance

• Clean every toy before and after every use.
• Use a cleaner suited to the material.
• Toys made of silicone, stainless steel or borosilicate glass without motors can usually be boiled; check the manufacturer's instructions.
• Use condoms on porous toys and on any toy you share.
• Store toys in a clean, dry place.
• Inspect toys regularly and throw them away if they are damaged.
• Never share toys between partners without cleaning them or using a barrier.
• Never move a toy from anal to vaginal use without cleaning it thoroughly first.

Essential scene safety kit

• Phone: fully charged and within reach
• Safety scissors: EMT or bandage scissors for cutting restraints
• First aid kit: bandages, antiseptic and burn gel
• Water for aftercare
• A blanket for warmth and comfort
• Emergency contacts saved in your phone
• The address of the nearest hospital
• Any necessary medication, such as inhalers or adrenaline auto-injectors

When to seek medical help

• Loss of consciousness
• Numbness that continues after restraints are removed
• Deep cuts or bleeding that will not stop
• Severe burns
• Difficulty breathing
• Chest pain or an irregular heartbeat
• Severe allergic reactions
• Signs of a stroke, such as confusion, slurred speech or weakness
• Extreme emotional distress or dissociation
• Any injury you are unsure about

Medical emergency protocol

• Call your local emergency services immediately. You will find the numbers for your country in our helpline directory.
• Release any restraints safely and quickly.
• Start first aid if you are trained.
• Stay calm and give responders clear, honest information.
• Never delay care out of embarrassment: safety matters more.

Trauma and triggers

• Share relevant trauma history before engaging in activities that might trigger it.
• Identify known triggers and set boundaries around them.
• Have a plan for what happens if you are triggered during a scene.
• Make sure your partners know how to support you if you are triggered.
• Consider therapy before engaging in play close to past trauma.
• BDSM is not therapy: do not use it to work through trauma on your own.
• Discovering a new trigger is okay. Say so straight away.

Mental health considerations

• Be honest with partners about mental health conditions.
• Some activities can interact with mental health medication.
• Avoid scenes during severe episodes of depression or anxiety.
• Intense scenes can trigger dissociation in vulnerable people.
• Keep an eye on your mental state in the days after a scene.
• Seek professional help if kink starts to harm your mental health.
• Taking a break from kink for your mental health is okay.

A healthy headspace

• Never use BDSM to harm yourself or as self-punishment.
• Do not use scenes to avoid dealing with emotional problems.
• Kink should enrich your life, not become an escape from it.
• Keep a balance: relationships, work and hobbies beyond kink.
• Reflect regularly on your motivations and wellbeing.
• Healthy BDSM builds self-esteem rather than destroying it.

Warning signs in a partner

• Refuses to discuss limits, boundaries or safe words
• Pressures, coerces or guilt-trips you into activities
• Dismisses or mocks your concerns
• Ignores or "forgets" safe words
• Rushes into intense play without building trust
• Lacks safety knowledge but will not learn
• Refuses to give or receive aftercare
• Makes you feel guilty for having boundaries
• Isolates you from friends, community or support
• Claims that "real" submissives or dominants do certain things
• Uses BDSM as an excuse for abusive behavior
• Continues after you have said no or used a safe word
• Never asks about your preferences
• Attempts activities beyond their skill level
• Lies about experience or qualifications
• Refuses STI testing or safer sex practices
• Discourages you from learning about safety
• Makes you afraid to speak up

Green flags in a partner

• Eager to discuss and respect boundaries
• Values consent above everything else
• Honors safe words immediately and without question
• Encourages open, honest communication
• Builds trust gradually over time
• Knows about safety or is willing to learn
• Offers good aftercare without being asked
• Makes you feel safe and respected
• Admits when they do not know something
• Actively educates themselves
• Respects your autonomy and independence
• Encourages you to keep your other relationships
• Takes responsibility for their actions
• Admits mistakes and apologizes
• Checks in on your wellbeing regularly
• Supports your physical and mental health
• Welcomes questions and concerns
• Never makes you feel afraid or coerced

Legal reality

• BDSM activities can have legal consequences depending on where you live.
• In some jurisdictions consent is not accepted as a defense against an assault charge.
• Marks and bruises can be used as evidence in legal proceedings.
• Research the laws where you live.
• Written contracts are communication tools, not legally binding documents.
• Consent can be withdrawn at any time, whatever a contract says.
• Age of consent laws apply: everyone involved must be an adult.

Privacy and documentation

• Be very cautious about photos and videos of scenes.
• Explicit content can be used against you, for example in employment or custody disputes.
• Get explicit consent before recording anything.
• Agree on how content is stored, shared and deleted.
• Consider encrypted storage for sensitive material.
• Never reveal someone's kink identity without their permission.
• Respect other people's privacy in community spaces.
• Be mindful of your digital footprint and of metadata in photos and files.

• Always hold first meetings in a public place.
• Tell a trusted friend where you are going and when to expect to hear from you.
• Set up a check-in arrangement with a safety contact.
• Video chat before meeting in person.
• Verify the person's identity in more than one way.
• Do not share your home address until trust is established.
• Keep the first play sessions light and build intensity over time.
• Trust your instincts: if something feels off, leave.
• Arrange your own transport and keep your phone charged.
• Do not accept drinks you did not see being prepared.

STI prevention

• Talk openly about STI status before sexual contact.
• Get tested regularly and share your results.
• Use barriers such as condoms, dental dams and gloves where appropriate.
• Never share sex toys without cleaning them or using a barrier.
• Activities that can break the skin, such as heavy impact play, increase the risk of blood-borne infections.
• Learn about PrEP and PEP for HIV prevention.
• Understand your own risk factors and those of your partners.

Pregnancy and contraception

• Discuss contraception needs and methods.
• Remember that some activities do not protect against pregnancy.
• Know your options for emergency contraception.
• Talk about what you would do in case of an unplanned pregnancy.
• Some medications interact with hormonal contraception.
• Pregnancy changes the body, so adjust activities accordingly and seek medical advice.