What to say
I'm glad you told me rather than acting on it behind my back, and I want to understand where this is coming from. Right now I'm feeling [hurt, scared, curious], and I'm not ready to give you an answer.
Can you tell me what you're hoping for, and whether something feels missing for you? I'd like us to talk this through over a few conversations, without either of us being pushed into a decision. And whatever we decide, I need to know that no is a real option.
What to do next
Ask what's behind the wish. It might be about a specific desire, a kink you don't share, a long-standing part of who they are, or a sign that something feels missing between you. Each of those leads to a different conversation, and not all of them are best solved by opening up.
If you're both genuinely interested, go slowly and write things down. The Relationship Contract Builder can help you agree on what's allowed and what isn't, how you'll handle safer sex and testing, what you'll tell each other, and how either of you can pause or end the arrangement. Plan regular check-ins, and expect to revise your agreements as you learn.
If you don't want an open relationship, say so clearly. You might find other ways to meet some of your partner's needs, or you might discover you want different things. Both outcomes are allowed.
Safety first
It isn't a free choice if your partner threatens to leave or cheat unless you agree, says you'd be selfish or controlling to say no, or has already started seeing someone and presents it as a done deal. Agreeing just to avoid losing someone isn't real consent.
If you feel pressured, frightened or unsafe, you can reach out to the helplines on our Safety page or talk with a counselor or therapist. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Give yourself space to think on your own, away from your partner. Writing down your feelings, fears and any curiosity can help you tell what you want apart from what you fear.
Read about different kinds of non-monogamy before you decide, since they vary a lot. A counselor who is open to different relationship models can help you both talk about it without the conversation turning into a fight.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
An agreement turns what you talked about into something you can both come back to: limits, check-ins and what happens when something feels off.
Write an agreement togetherTags
- #open relationship
- #non-monogamy
- #trust
- #agreements
- #pressure