What to say
I want to talk about how pain is affecting our sex life, because I think we see it differently and I don't want it to turn into a fight. I care about you, and I care about us being close. I'd like to understand what feels possible for you, and to share what I'm feeling too.
Could we work out together what works on good days, what helps on harder days, and how we can tell each other where we're at without either of us feeling guilty?
What to do next
Let the person with pain be the expert on their body. Only they can tell what hurts, when and how much. The other partner's role is to listen, believe them and share their own feelings honestly too, including frustration or sadness, without making it anyone's fault.
Talk about a wider idea of intimacy. Different positions, supportive pillows, slower pacing, timing around medication or energy levels, and forms of closeness that don't involve intercourse can all help. Trying things should always come with the freedom to stop at any moment.
The User Manual is a good place to write down what helps: how to tell whether it's a good or bad day, words or signals that mean "slow down" or "stop", and what kind of comfort feels best during a flare. That way neither of you has to guess, and fewer conversations happen in a painful moment.
Safety first
Pain during sex is a reason to talk to a doctor, physical therapist or pain specialist, not a reason to push through. Some pain has treatable causes, and specialists can suggest options you might not have thought of.
No one should feel obliged to have sex while in pain, and no one should be made to feel guilty about their condition. If one partner pressures the other, or resentment turns into insults or threats, the services listed on our Helplines page can help you find support.
Tips
Plan intimacy for the times when energy is usually higher, and keep the plan flexible. A plan that can change without disappointment works better than spontaneity that rarely happens.
Say what you appreciate. The partner with pain often feels like a burden, and the other partner can feel shut out. Hearing that you both still matter to each other can ease a lot of tension.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
A user manual tells your partner how you handle conflict, comfort and closeness, before the next misunderstanding happens.
Create your user manualTags
- #chronic pain
- #disability
- #intimacy
- #health
- #compromise