What to say
Thank you for telling me. I know that took courage, and I'm glad you trust me with it. I also want to be honest that part of me feels insecure, and I'd rather talk about that with you than let it sit between us. I know that's my feeling to work on, not something you did wrong.
Can you tell me what coming out means for you and what you need from me right now? And could we also talk about what helps me feel secure in us?
What to do next
Keep the focus on your partner first. Coming out can feel vulnerable, and they may need to feel accepted before they can listen to your worries. Ask how they'd like you to handle it with friends and family, and don't tell anyone without their permission.
Then look at your insecurity honestly. Bisexual people often meet stereotypes, such as being unable to commit or always wanting more. Those myths can feed fear. A bisexual person in a monogamous relationship can commit just as fully as anyone else. If your partner ever wants to change your relationship agreements, that's a separate conversation that needs both of you to agree.
The User Manual can help you each describe what makes you feel secure, how you'd like to talk about difficult feelings and how you show love. Writing that down can turn vague anxiety into requests your partner can respond to.
Safety first
Insecurity is no reason to control. Checking their messages, restricting their friendships with people of a certain gender or demanding proof of loyalty damages trust and can become controlling behavior. If your feelings are hard to manage, a counselor can help.
Threatening to out someone, or using their sexuality against them in arguments, is a serious form of abuse. If that's happening, or if coming out has made home feel unsafe, the services listed on our Helplines page can help, and many places also have LGBTQ+ support services.
Tips
Learn a little on your own, from bisexual voices and community resources, so your partner doesn't have to explain everything.
Notice the everyday signs of commitment: the plans you make together and the care you share. Ask for reassurance in concrete ways, like "Could you tell me what you love about us?", rather than asking for promises about feelings.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
A user manual tells your partner how you handle conflict, comfort and closeness, before the next misunderstanding happens.
Create your user manualTags
- #bisexuality
- #coming out
- #insecurity
- #trust
- #lgbtq+