What to say
I'd like to talk about the messages from your ex. I'm not asking you to cut off everyone from your past, and I trust you. But when they keep bringing up kink, I feel uneasy, and I'd like to know where you stand. How do you feel about these messages, and what would you like to do about them?
I'd also like us to agree together on how we handle contact with exes, especially when it's about play.
What to do next
Start with questions rather than accusations. Is your partner replying, and how? Does the ex respect a no? Is your relationship monogamous, open, or somewhere in between? The answers shape what a fair agreement looks like.
Agree on a few things together: whether play with others is on the table at all, what your partner shares about your relationship and your play (your private life deserves protection too), and how either of you raises it when contact feels uncomfortable. The Relationship Contract Builder helps you write these points down so you can come back to them.
If your partner decides to set a boundary with the ex, it's their message to send. You can offer to help with wording, but contacting the ex yourself usually makes things worse.
Safety first
If the ex is harassing your partner, threatening to tell family or employers about their kink, or sharing private images, that's serious. Your partner can document messages, block the ex, and get support. Being outed is a real risk that deserves protection.
Watch your side of the dynamic too. If worry turns into demanding passwords or checking your partner's phone, or if your partner responds to your concerns by calling you crazy, things are moving toward control. The helplines on our Helplines page offer confidential support, and if anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Try to separate jealousy from a real boundary problem. Ask yourself what would actually reassure you, and say that specifically.
Come back to the topic after a few weeks to check whether your agreement is working, rather than waiting until the next message arrives.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
An agreement turns what you talked about into something you can both come back to: limits, check-ins and what happens when something feels off.
Write an agreement togetherTags
- #exes
- #jealousy
- #boundaries
- #privacy
- #outing