What to say
I want to talk about something that's been hurting me. Sometimes when we're intimate, you mention an ex and compare things to what you did with them. I don't think you mean it to hurt, but it makes me feel like I'm being measured against someone else, and it pulls me out of the moment.
Could we agree to leave exes out of our intimate time? If there's something you'd like us to try, I'd love to hear it as something you want with me. How does that sound?
What to do next
Many people mention past experiences without thinking about how it lands, and often it's a clumsy way of expressing a preference. Giving them a clearer, kinder way to share what they like can solve much of the problem.
A User Manual can help you both describe what you enjoy, what you'd like to explore, and how you like feedback about intimacy to be shared.
If they apologize and stop, appreciate that. If the comparisons continue after a clear request, it's fair to ask yourself whether your boundary is being respected. If it seems they're still focused on an ex, that may be worth an honest conversation of its own.
Safety first
This becomes more serious if comparisons are used deliberately to hurt or shame you, if your body or performance is regularly mocked, or if you're pressured into sexual acts because an ex did them.
Any sexual activity should be freely chosen. You can stop or pause at any time, and that's never something to apologize for. Being made to feel inadequate to get you to go along with something is not your fault.
A counselor or sex therapist can help, and the helplines on our Safety page offer confidential support if you feel pressured or unsafe. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Bring it up outside the bedroom, when you're both relaxed, rather than in the moment.
Offer an alternative phrasing: "I'd love to try..." instead of "My ex used to..." That way they can still share preferences without comparisons.
If it happens again, it's okay to pause and say calmly, "Remember what we talked about? Let's keep this about us." You can also stop entirely if you need to.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
A user manual tells your partner how you handle conflict, comfort and closeness, before the next misunderstanding happens.
Create your user manualTags
- #exes
- #comparison
- #insecurity
- #sex
- #boundaries