What to say
I want to share something that matters to me. When I tell you how I feel and the answer is that I'm overreacting or too sensitive, I end up feeling like my emotions don't count. I'm not asking you to agree with me every time, but I'd really like you to take my feelings seriously.
Can we try something? Next time I'm upset, could you start with something like "I hear you, tell me more" before we get into whether it makes sense? I think that would help us feel closer. How does that sound to you?
What to do next
Notice how your partner responds. Some people dismiss feelings because they were raised that way, feel helpless when someone is upset, or feel blamed. If your partner is willing to learn a new response, practice it together and acknowledge their effort.
The User Manual can help you both describe what feeling heard looks like. For one person, it might be a hug; for another, it's being asked questions before getting advice. Sharing this ahead of time takes the guesswork out of tense moments.
It can help to separate validating a feeling from agreeing with an interpretation. Your partner can say "I can see you're hurt" while still sharing their side.
If you keep raising this and nothing changes, or you notice yourself doubting your own memory or judgment more and more, take that seriously. A counselor or therapist can help you sort through what's happening, and it's fair to ask whether your emotional needs can be met in this relationship.
Safety first
Occasional dismissiveness is a communication problem. It becomes more serious when your partner regularly denies things that happened, insists you're remembering wrong, tells you you're crazy, or leaves you unable to trust your own perceptions. That pattern, often called gaslighting, is a form of psychological manipulation.
Other red flags include mocking your emotions in front of others, punishing you for being upset, or using your reactions as proof that you're the problem. You deserve to feel safe expressing yourself. Abuse is never your fault.
You can reach out to the helplines on our Safety page or talk with a counselor or therapist, ideally one familiar with emotional abuse. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Use "I feel" statements, such as "I felt hurt when the plans changed without a heads-up," rather than "You always..." It keeps the focus on your experience and makes it harder to dismiss as an attack.
When you hear "You're overreacting," ask a clarifying question: "What makes it seem like an overreaction to you?" Sometimes this opens a real conversation about your different perspectives.
Keep a private journal of important conversations. Writing things down can help you trust your own memory and notice patterns.
Stay connected to friends or family who take your feelings seriously. Having people outside the relationship who listen can help you keep perspective.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
A user manual tells your partner how you handle conflict, comfort and closeness, before the next misunderstanding happens.
Create your user manualTags
- #invalidation
- #dismissive
- #feelings
- #sensitivity
- #feeling heard
- #communication