What to say
I want to talk about something I've noticed when we're out. Sometimes you're pretty harsh with waiters or cashiers, and it makes me really uncomfortable. I know you might be stressed or frustrated in those moments, but it's hard for me to watch.
Can we talk about what's going on for you in those moments? It matters to me that we treat people kindly, even when things go wrong.
What to do next
Bring it up later, in private, rather than in front of the person. Give a specific example and explain how it felt for you. Sometimes people don't see their own patterns until someone they trust points them out.
Listen for what's underneath. Stress, hunger, anxiety, or a background where this behavior was normal can all play a part. That doesn't excuse it, but it can point to what might help. The User Manual can help you both share your values and what you each need when you're stressed.
Watch what happens next. If your partner reflects and makes an effort, that's a good sign. If they dismiss it or keep treating people with contempt, it's fair to ask yourself whether your values align and how that might show up in your relationship over time.
Safety first
Rudeness to strangers isn't proof that someone will mistreat you. But if you notice contempt, intimidation, yelling, or threats toward others, pay attention to whether similar behavior ever shows up toward you, such as belittling, controlling, or frightening you.
If it does, that is not your fault, and a counselor or the helplines on our Safety page can help you think through your options. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Model the behavior you want: thank the server, smile at the cashier, and apologize quietly if something your partner said was harsh.
Notice and appreciate moments when they handle frustration well. Positive feedback tends to work better than criticism alone.
If certain situations reliably trigger rudeness, like being hungry or waiting in long lines, plan around them where you can. And if it keeps happening, it's okay to step away from the situation rather than standing beside it.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
A user manual tells your partner how you handle conflict, comfort and closeness, before the next misunderstanding happens.
Create your user manualTags
- #rudeness
- #service workers
- #values
- #respect
- #kindness