What to say
I want to talk about something that's making it really hard for me to heal. I know you're still in contact with the person you were involved with, and each time I know you've talked, it feels like the betrayal is happening all over again.
If we're going to rebuild trust, I need that contact to end, or, if that truly isn't possible, to be kept strictly to what's necessary and completely open with me. This is really important to me. Can we talk about how you'll make that happen?
What to do next
Ending contact with an affair partner is one of the most common requests after infidelity, and many couples therapists see it as an important step toward rebuilding trust. Be clear about what you're asking for and why, so it comes across as a condition for healing rather than a punishment.
If contact truly can't end right away, for example because they work together, talk about what limits and transparency would look like. That might mean keeping contact strictly professional, telling you about any interaction, or looking into a transfer or new role over time. The Relationship Contract Builder can help you put those agreements in writing so you both know what's expected.
Pay attention to actions over time. Following through, being open without being asked, and taking your feelings seriously are signs of real commitment to repair. Couples counseling can give you a structured space to work through the affair itself.
If your partner refuses to make any changes, or keeps the contact going in secret, it's fair to decide you can't heal under these conditions. Leaving is a legitimate choice, and it doesn't mean you failed.
Safety first
Setting a boundary about contact with an affair partner is not controlling; it's a reasonable condition for rebuilding trust. It's a concern if you're mocked or told you're crazy for asking, or if your partner uses your distress against you.
Watch for other red flags, too: threats if you consider leaving, pressure to forgive on a deadline, blaming you for the affair, or pressure to have sex to prove you've moved on. Betrayal can stir up intense emotions on both sides, so if conversations ever become frightening or physical, step away.
You can talk with the helplines on our Safety page or a counselor or therapist, including one who specializes in recovery after infidelity. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Be specific about what ending contact means to you, such as no texting, no social media interaction, no private meetings, and telling you if the other person reaches out.
Agree on what will happen if the boundary is broken. Deciding this ahead of time, while you're calm, helps you act on your own needs instead of starting the whole negotiation over.
Give yourself permission to grieve and to take time. Rebuilding trust after an affair often takes many months, and healing doesn't follow a straight line.
Look after yourself outside the relationship. Friends, journaling, and individual therapy can help you sort out what you want, whether you stay or decide to go.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
An agreement turns what you talked about into something you can both come back to: limits, check-ins and what happens when something feels off.
Write an agreement togetherTags
- #cheating
- #affair
- #affair partner
- #boundaries
- #trust
- #forgiveness
- #healing
- #no contact