What to say
There's something I'd like to share, because it's been making me feel a bit insecure. I don't often hear that you find me attractive or that you're proud of me, and I've realized that hearing it means a lot to me. I'm not asking for constant compliments, but I do need to feel desired and appreciated.
It would really help if you told me when you think I look good or when something I do makes you proud. How do you usually like to show love, and is there something you'd like more of from me too?
What to do next
Start by asking how your partner expresses affection. Some people show love through actions, like cooking, fixing things, or making time, and may assume you already know how they feel. You might be missing signs they think are obvious.
Be specific about what helps. "I love it when you tell me I look nice before we go out" is easier to act on than "compliment me more." Writing a User Manual for each other is a gentle way to share what makes you feel valued without it sounding like criticism.
Give it time and notice effort. If your partner tries, even awkwardly, tell them how much it means. If your need for affirmation keeps going unmet after clear conversations, it's fair to ask yourself whether this relationship can give you what you need.
Safety first
Not being verbally affectionate isn't abuse. It moves beyond ordinary differences when your partner regularly mocks your appearance, belittles you, calls you needy or pathetic for wanting affection, or uses insults to keep you feeling small.
If you're being put down in ways that wear away your confidence, it isn't your fault. A counselor or therapist can help you sort through it, and the helplines on our Safety page offer confidential support. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Model what you'd like by offering sincere compliments yourself. Many people become more expressive when they see how easy and welcome it is.
Try a light ritual, like sharing one thing you appreciate about each other before bed. It builds the habit without anyone feeling put on the spot.
Notice and name the compliments you do receive, even small ones. Also build your sense of worth through friends, hobbies and self-care, so your confidence doesn't rest on one person alone.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
A user manual tells your partner how you handle conflict, comfort and closeness, before the next misunderstanding happens.
Create your user manualTags
- #compliments
- #affirmation
- #attraction
- #appreciation
- #love language
- #communication