What to say
I need to talk with you about something important, and I want to be honest even though it's hard. I know having kids matters a lot to you. I've thought about this carefully, and I don't want children. I don't want you to give up being a parent for me, and I don't think it would be fair to either of us, or to a child, if I had kids I didn't want.
I love you, and I want us to face this together. Can we talk about what this means for each of us and what we both really need?
What to do next
Start by understanding each other fully. Ask what parenthood means to them, and share what's behind your own feelings. Sometimes there's more room than it first appears (for example, someone who's unsure rather than certain), and sometimes there isn't.
The Relationship Contract Builder can help you lay out your long-term goals side by side, so you can see clearly where you align and where you don't.
A couples counselor can help you have this conversation without it turning into blame. If you both feel certain and your answers are different, deciding to part so each of you can build the life you want is a legitimate and caring choice. Staying while hoping the other person will change usually leads to resentment.
Safety first
This becomes a safety concern if anyone is pressured or tricked about pregnancy, such as tampering with birth control, lying about contraception, refusing to use protection, or pressuring someone into sex to get pregnant. This is sometimes called reproductive coercion, and it's never acceptable.
Threats, intimidation, or punishing someone for their decision are also red flags. If any of this is happening, a counselor or therapist and the helplines on our Safety page can help you think through your options. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Don't have children hoping you'll change your mind once they're here, and don't expect your partner to give up the idea quietly. Children deserve to be wanted, and both of you deserve a future you chose.
Give the conversation time. You may need several talks, with space in between to reflect.
Try to separate the decision from your worth as a couple. Wanting different things doesn't mean the relationship was a mistake or that either of you failed.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
An agreement turns what you talked about into something you can both come back to: limits, check-ins and what happens when something feels off.
Write an agreement togetherTags
- #children
- #kids
- #family planning
- #compatibility
- #future
- #dealbreakers