What to say
I'd like to talk about something that's been on my mind. I've noticed we're not having sex like we used to, and when I try to initiate, it usually doesn't happen. I'm not trying to pressure you at all. I miss feeling close to you, and I'd like to understand what's going on.
Is something weighing on you, like stress or how you're feeling physically? Or is there something about us you'd like to talk about? I'd really like to work on this together.
What to do next
Low desire has many possible causes: stress, exhaustion, depression or anxiety, medications, health issues including hormone changes, body image concerns, unresolved conflict, or simply mismatched rhythms. Try to approach it as a shared puzzle, not a verdict on you or on him.
The Preference Test can help you both explore what you like, what you'd be open to, and what intimacy means to each of you, which can open up conversations that feel hard to start.
If he's open to it, a checkup with a doctor can rule out medical causes, and a sex therapist or couples counselor can help. If months go by without any willingness to talk or try, it's fair to ask yourself whether your needs can be met here, and that's a legitimate thing to weigh.
Safety first
No one is ever obligated to have sex, and pressuring a partner, even through guilt or sulking, isn't okay. At the same time, it's reasonable to want your needs taken seriously.
This moves beyond ordinary mismatched desire if he mocks or shames you for wanting intimacy, uses sex or withholding it to control or punish you, or if conflict around sex comes with threats or intimidation.
A counselor, a sex therapist, or the helplines on our Safety page can offer support if you're feeling controlled or unsafe. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Pick a calm, non-sexual moment to talk, not right after a declined advance. A walk or a quiet evening can make it feel less loaded.
Rebuild closeness in low-pressure ways: cuddling, massage, or time together without any expectation of sex. For many people, desire grows from feeling relaxed and connected.
Experiment with timing. If evenings are when he's most tired, mornings or weekends might feel different. And ask what he'd enjoy now, since preferences can change over time.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
The preference test shows what each of you loves, is curious about or does not want, so you can compare without guessing.
Take the preference testTags
- #sex
- #libido
- #low desire
- #intimacy
- #rejection
- #mismatched desire