What to say
I've noticed you seem really down about what's been happening in bed, and I want you to know it doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm not upset with you, and nothing has to go a certain way. I just miss being close to you.
Can we talk about it? I'd like to know how you're feeling, and whether there's anything that would take some pressure off. We can figure out together what intimacy looks like for us right now.
What to do next
Take the pressure off performance. When sex turns into a test, anxiety tends to make the difficulties worse. Agreeing on intimate time where an erection isn't the goal, with touch, oral sex, toys or simply being close, often helps both of you relax.
Gently encourage a visit to a doctor. Erection difficulties can sometimes be an early sign of a physical condition, such as heart and circulation problems or diabetes, and they can also be a side effect of medication. A doctor or urologist can look for causes and talk through treatment options. A sex therapist can help when worry and stress play a big part.
Our conversation starters can help you talk about intimacy more broadly, beyond this one issue. Shifting the focus to what you both enjoy and how you feel close eases the sense that everything depends on one thing working.
Safety first
Your partner's shame isn't your fault, and it's not okay if they blame you for it, accuse you of cheating, become controlling or take their frustration out on you. In the other direction, pressuring them to "try harder" or joking about it can deepen the problem.
Medication for erection difficulties should only be taken after talking to a doctor and only bought from a pharmacy, because pills from unverified online sellers can contain unknown ingredients. If your partner seems low or hopeless for a long time, encourage them to get support. The helplines on our Helplines page are also there if things feel overwhelming.
Tips
Choose a calm moment outside the bedroom to talk, not right after a difficult attempt. Walking side by side or cooking together can make it easier.
Reassure with actions as well as words. Reaching for each other without expectations, laughing together and staying affectionate show your partner that your relationship is about much more than sex.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
Regular, low-pressure conversations make difficult topics much easier to bring up when they matter.
Browse conversation startersTags
- #erection difficulties
- #sexual health
- #shame
- #intimacy
- #support