What to say
There's something I've been finding hard to say. Sex has been hurting for me, and I haven't told you because I didn't want to disappoint you or make it a big deal. I don't want to keep pretending, though, because it's making me tense whenever we get close.
This isn't about you or how much I want you. I'd like us to stop anything that hurts while I get it checked out, and to find other ways to be close for now. Can we do that together?
What to do next
Pain can have many causes: not enough arousal or lubrication, infections, skin conditions, hormonal changes such as after giving birth or around menopause, conditions like endometriosis, or involuntary muscle tension such as vaginismus. People with a penis can experience painful sex too. A doctor, gynecologist, urologist or sexual health clinic can look for causes, and a pelvic floor physical therapist or sex therapist can often help.
In the meantime, take penetration or anything else that hurts off the table. Focus on touch, massage, toys or other kinds of intimacy that feel good. Many people find that once the fear of pain is gone, desire comes back more easily.
Your User Manual is a good place to note what feels good, what you need to relax and which signals mean "slow down" or "stop." Sharing it can make it easier for your partner to follow your lead without you having to explain everything in the moment.
Safety first
If your partner insists on continuing when you say it hurts, gets angry, sulks or tells you to just relax and get used to it, that's pressure, and sex under pressure isn't consent. You never have to accept pain you don't want.
If pain is sudden or severe, or comes with bleeding, fever or unusual discharge, see a doctor soon. If you feel unsafe saying no or have been hurt, the helplines on our Helplines page offer confidential support. If you're in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Use plenty of good-quality lubricant and take more time for arousal. Both can make a real difference, even while you're still finding out the cause.
Agree on a simple word or gesture that means "pause" and use it without apologizing. Knowing you can stop at any moment often helps your body relax.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
A user manual tells your partner how you handle conflict, comfort and closeness, before the next misunderstanding happens.
Create your user manualTags
- #painful sex
- #sexual health
- #honesty
- #consent
- #doctor