What to say
I can see you're worried about what I talk about in therapy, and I'm open to hearing what's behind that. But therapy is something I do for myself, and I'm going to keep going. I decide what I talk about there.
If you're worried my therapist judges our kink, tell me what exactly worries you. If I ever felt they didn't understand, I could look for a kink-aware therapist. Stopping isn't something I'm willing to do, though.
What to do next
Start by finding out what the worry is. Fear of being pathologized is real, and you can take it seriously without giving up your support. You could ask your therapist how they see consensual kink, or switch to a kink-aware therapist if you ever feel judged. That's your choice to make, not a condition your partner sets.
Keep your boundaries around confidentiality. You don't have to report what you said in a session, and your partner isn't entitled to know. If you'd both like help with the relationship, couples counseling can be a separate space you choose together, alongside your own therapy, not instead of it.
It can help to put your needs into words. In your User Manual you can write what support helps you stay well, including therapy, and what privacy you need. Sharing it on a calm day makes it clear that therapy is part of how you take care of yourself, not a threat to your partner.
Safety first
Cutting someone off from outside support is a common warning sign of controlling relationships, in kink and outside it. Be concerned if your partner insists you stop, demands to know what you said, reads your notes or messages, threatens to leave if you keep going, or claims that "outsiders will never understand us." No power exchange, however deep, gives anyone authority over your health care.
Your therapist can help you think it through. You can also contact the helplines on our Helplines page for confidential support. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Tell your therapist about the pressure. It's important information, and therapists are generally bound by confidentiality, with narrow exceptions such as immediate danger.
You can keep appointment details private and protect session notes or messages on your phone. If you're looking for a new therapist, it's fine to ask in a first call whether they have experience with kink and consensual power exchange.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
A user manual tells your partner how you handle conflict, comfort and closeness, before the next misunderstanding happens.
Create your user manualTags
- #therapy
- #isolation
- #control
- #kink-aware
- #privacy