What to say
Thanks for asking me instead of just putting something on. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, and I'd like to understand what you have in mind first. What draws you to it, and what would you want it to be like?
I'm a bit worried about [comparing myself, what we'd watch, how it would feel]. Could we talk about that before deciding? And if we do try it, can we agree that either of us can switch it off at any time, no questions asked?
What to do next
Find out what your partner is hoping for. For some people it's about inspiration or arousal, for others it's sharing something they usually enjoy alone, or exploring a fantasy without acting it out. Knowing the reason helps you decide whether there's a version that would suit you, or whether you'd prefer other ways to get the same thing.
The Preference Test can help you each sort what you're into, curious about or don't want, which makes it easier to talk about what kind of content, if any, would feel okay. You might prefer something softer, written erotica or audio, or ethically produced material where performers are treated and paid fairly.
If you try it, keep it short the first time, choose together, and talk afterward about how it felt for each of you. Whatever you decide, you can revisit it later.
Safety first
It's pressure if your partner keeps pushing after you've said no, compares you to performers, insists on content you find degrading, or uses porn to get you to do things you haven't agreed to. Agreeing to watch isn't agreeing to anything else.
If you feel pressured or unsafe, you can reach out to the helplines on our Safety page or talk with a counselor or therapist. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Remember that porn is a performance, edited and staged, not a guide to real bodies or real sex. If comparison is your worry, say so. A caring partner will want to reassure you.
If you decide it's not for you, you can still enjoy other shared things that build desire, like reading something sexy aloud or talking about fantasies. And if it turns out you enjoy it, keep checking in, because how you feel may change over time.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
The preference test shows what each of you loves, is curious about or does not want, so you can compare without guessing.
Take the preference testTags
- #porn
- #intimacy
- #insecurity
- #consent
- #boundaries