What to say
I want to talk about the anal sex thing, because it keeps coming up and it's starting to affect how I feel around you. I've told you I don't want to, and right now that's still my answer. When you keep asking, it feels like my no doesn't count, and that makes it harder for me to relax with you at all.
I'd like you to stop bringing it up. If I ever change my mind, I'll be the one to raise it. Can you agree to that?
What to do next
Be clear and specific. "Not tonight" can sound like an invitation to ask again tomorrow. If your answer is no for the foreseeable future, say so, and ask your partner to stop raising it. You don't owe a reason, though you can share one if you want to.
It can help to understand where the push is coming from. Some people have picked up the idea from porn that it's something everyone does, or they feel it would prove a special kind of closeness. You can listen to their curiosity without letting it decide anything for you. Their wish is real, and so is your limit. When the two clash, the limit wins.
The Relationship Contract Builder lets you write your limits down together, including an agreement about who brings a topic back up and when. Seeing it in writing often ends the cycle of repeated asking, because the decision no longer has to be defended in every conversation.
Safety first
Asking again and again after a clear no, sulking, guilt trips, comparing you to exes or threatening to look elsewhere are all forms of pressure. Trying anal sex without asking, "by accident" or in the middle of something else, is sexual assault, no matter what your relationship looks like. Physically, anal sex without time, plenty of lubricant and a fully willing partner can cause pain and injury, which is one more reason it should never happen under pressure.
If you feel unsafe or have been pushed into sex you didn't want, it isn't your fault. You can reach out to the helplines on our Helplines page or talk with a counselor. If you were hurt, a doctor or sexual health clinic can help confidentially. If you're in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Decide on your answer before the next conversation, not during it. Pressure works best when it catches you off guard, so having your sentence ready helps you stay steady.
Notice how your partner responds to a firm no. Disappointment is fine, and a partner who respects you will let the subject rest. If it keeps returning in new forms, that tells you something important about how your other limits are likely to be treated too.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
An agreement turns what you talked about into something you can both come back to: limits, check-ins and what happens when something feels off.
Write an agreement togetherTags
- #consent
- #pressure
- #anal sex
- #boundaries
- #saying no