What to say
I want to talk about our sex life honestly, because I don't want either of us to keep feeling bad about it. I've realized that I'm asexual, and that's why I don't feel desire the way you do. It's not about you, and it doesn't change how much I love you.
I know you'd like more sex, and I don't want to dismiss that. Can we talk about what each of us needs, what feels okay for me, and what closeness could look like for both of us?
What to do next
Asexuality looks different for everyone. Some asexual people enjoy sex in certain situations, some feel neutral about it, and some find it unpleasant. Getting clear about where you stand, and saying it plainly, helps your partner understand that this is about your orientation, not about how attractive you find them.
Ask your partner what sex means to them. Is it closeness, feeling desired, physical release, reassurance? Some of those needs might be met in other ways: physical affection, sensual touch without expectations, words, time together. Others may not be, and it's honest to say so.
Your User Manual is a good place to describe how you experience closeness, what kinds of touch feel good and what you'd rather not do. It gives your partner something concrete to work with instead of guessing. Some couples find a balance, some explore different relationship structures, and some realize they want different things. A couples counselor familiar with asexuality can help you work through it.
Safety first
Sex you have only out of guilt, fear or obligation isn't freely given, and no one is ever entitled to sex, in any relationship. It's a warning sign if your partner pressures you, keeps score, threatens to leave or cheat as leverage, tells you you're broken, or pushes you into therapy to "fix" your orientation.
If you feel pressured or unsafe, you can contact the helplines on our Helplines page or talk with a counselor. Asexual communities can also offer support from people who have had similar conversations.
Tips
Avoid making promises you can't keep just to ease the tension, such as agreeing to a schedule you'd dread. A smaller, honest offer is better than a bigger one that builds resentment.
Check in regularly, not only when the issue flares up. A calm conversation every few weeks about how you're both doing keeps the topic from turning into quiet hurt.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
A user manual tells your partner how you handle conflict, comfort and closeness, before the next misunderstanding happens.
Create your user manualTags
- #asexuality
- #mismatched desire
- #intimacy
- #orientation
- #consent