What to say
I want to bring up something a little sensitive, and I'm saying it because I care about you and want us to stay close. I've noticed [specific thing, like your breath lately or showering less often], and it's been getting in the way of me feeling as close to you physically as I'd like.
I also want to check in: is everything okay? Sometimes when life gets hard, self-care is the first thing to slip. Is there anything going on that I can help with?
What to do next
Lead with care and curiosity. A change in hygiene can be a sign of depression, burnout, illness, or a sensory issue, and sometimes it's simply a habit nobody ever pointed out. Asking how they're doing helps you figure out which it is.
If it seems tied to their mental or physical health, encourage them to talk to a doctor or therapist, and be patient while they get support. If it's more about habits, agree on small, specific changes rather than a vague request to be cleaner.
The User Manual can help you both share what makes you feel comfortable and cared for, including sensory things like smell and touch. If you've asked kindly and clearly and nothing changes over time, it's fair to ask yourself whether this is something you can live with.
Safety first
Hygiene problems on their own aren't a safety issue, but a sudden decline can sometimes signal serious depression or self-neglect. If your partner talks about feeling hopeless, worthless, or not wanting to be here, take it seriously and encourage them to reach out to a mental health professional or the helplines on our Safety page.
If they respond to your concern with threats, intimidation, or insults meant to shame you into silence, that moves beyond ordinary conflict. A counselor or therapist can help you think it through, and if anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Be specific and private. Saying it once, gently, at home is kinder than hinting repeatedly or making jokes in front of others.
Make it a shared thing where you can: showering together, picking out new toiletries, or brushing your teeth at the same time before bed. Routines are easier when they feel like teamwork.
Notice and appreciate effort. A simple thank you or compliment when they've taken care of themselves goes a long way toward making the change stick.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
A user manual tells your partner how you handle conflict, comfort and closeness, before the next misunderstanding happens.
Create your user manualTags
- #hygiene
- #self-care
- #attraction
- #intimacy
- #difficult conversations