What to say
I want to talk about something that's been weighing on me. When you drink, especially a lot, you seem like a different person, and I don't feel safe or relaxed around you in those moments. It's happening often enough that I've started dreading weekends, and I don't want to feel that way about our time together.
I love you and I want to support you. Would you be willing to look at your drinking with me, and maybe talk to someone about it?
What to do next
Have this conversation when your partner is sober and you're both calm, not in the middle of a drinking episode or the morning after a fight. Describe specific things that happened and how they affected you, rather than labeling your partner.
It can help to agree on clear boundaries, such as how much drinking is okay at home or what you'll do if things get out of hand. The Relationship Contract Builder can help you put those agreements into words you both understand.
Change around alcohol often needs outside support. A doctor, therapist, or peer support group can help your partner, and support groups for family and partners of people who drink can help you too. If your partner won't acknowledge the problem and nothing changes, leaving is a legitimate choice.
Safety first
Being drunk is never an excuse for abuse. If your partner becomes aggressive, threatening, violent, or pressures you sexually when they've been drinking, that is not your fault, and your safety comes first. Also watch for drunk driving, blackouts, or putting children at risk.
If you feel unsafe, leave the situation and go somewhere you trust. Consider making a safety plan with a counselor or using the helplines on our Safety page. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Set boundaries that are about your actions, not theirs. For example: if they're drunk and unkind, you'll go to a friend's place for the night. Then follow through calmly.
Avoid trying to reason with someone who's intoxicated. Save important conversations for when they're sober.
Take care of yourself, too. Keep up your friendships and routines, and consider talking to a therapist about how this is affecting you, whether or not your partner gets help.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
An agreement turns what you talked about into something you can both come back to: limits, check-ins and what happens when something feels off.
Write an agreement togetherTags
- #alcohol
- #drinking
- #addiction
- #boundaries
- #safety