What to say
I want to talk with you because I care about you a lot. I've noticed you're using more than before, and I've seen changes in you that worry me, like your sleep, your mood, and how often plans fall through. I'm not trying to judge or shame you. I'm scared for your health and for us.
I'd really like you to talk to a doctor or a counselor about this, and I'll help you find someone if you want. Would you be willing to take that step with me?
What to do next
Substance use problems are a health issue, and people do recover, often with professional support. Choose a time when they're sober and calm to talk, and focus on specific things you've noticed rather than labels like "addict."
You can't make someone change, but you can be clear about what you need. The Relationship Contract Builder can help you write down agreements, such as no using at home, no driving after using, or keeping shared money separate, and what you'll do if those agreements aren't kept.
Get support for yourself too. A therapist, or a support group for families and partners of people who use substances, can help you stay grounded. If your partner keeps refusing help and the situation is harming you, choosing to step back or leave is a legitimate decision, not a failure of love.
Safety first
This goes beyond a hard conversation if your partner drives while impaired, becomes aggressive or violent when using, steals or takes money from you, pressures you to use with them, or pushes you into sexual situations while either of you is intoxicated. Your safety comes first, and none of this is your fault.
If you're ever worried about an overdose, such as unresponsiveness, very slow or stopped breathing, or blue lips, contact local emergency services right away. For ongoing support, reach out to a counselor or therapist, or the helplines on our Safety page.
Tips
Learn about treatment options before you talk, such as their doctor, outpatient counseling, and peer support meetings, so you can offer concrete next steps instead of only concern.
Avoid lending money, covering for missed work, or hiding the problem from others. These feel like kindness in the moment but can make it easier for the pattern to continue.
Notice and acknowledge any steps they take toward getting help, even small ones. And keep doing the things that sustain you, like time with friends, sleep, and your own routines, because you can't support anyone well if you're running on empty.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
An agreement turns what you talked about into something you can both come back to: limits, check-ins and what happens when something feels off.
Write an agreement togetherTags
- #drugs
- #substance use
- #addiction
- #health
- #worry
- #support