What to say
I need to talk about something I saw on your phone, and it's been weighing on me. It looked like sexual content involving [name], someone we both know. It's made me really uncomfortable, and I'm worried about how it affects us and them.
I want to understand what's going on, and I'd like us to agree on a boundary about this. Can we talk about it honestly?
What to do next
Start by finding out what you actually saw. Was it publicly posted content from someone who chose to share it, photos saved from social media, or something shared privately without that person's knowledge? The answer matters for both your relationship and the other person's safety.
Even when it's legal, sexualizing people you both know is something many couples consider a boundary. It's reasonable to ask your partner to stop and to delete what they have. The Relationship Contract Builder can help you agree on clear rules about porn, fantasy, and how you treat people in your shared life.
Talking about fantasies is normal in healthy relationships, but acting on them in ways that involve real people without their consent is different. A counselor can help you both talk this through.
If your partner refuses to respect the boundary after you've asked clearly, it's fair to ask yourself whether your needs can be met here.
Safety first
If the content was created or shared without the person's consent, such as hidden recordings, private images, or edited or fake images, that is a serious violation and may be illegal. It goes well beyond a relationship issue, and the person depicted may need to know so they can protect themselves.
If any content involves someone underage, do not share or keep it. Report it to the appropriate authorities.
If you feel unsafe raising this, or your partner reacts with threats or intimidation, reach out to a counselor or therapist and the helplines on our Safety page. If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
Tips
Don't forward, screenshot, or share the content, even as proof. Make a private note of what you saw instead.
Be specific about the boundary you want, such as no sexual content involving anyone you both know, and ask your partner to delete what they have.
Think about whether you want to change how you interact with the person involved for a while. It's okay to take space while you process.
Talk to a trusted friend or counselor before the conversation if you're feeling shaken. It can help you stay clear and calm.
Prevent this next time
A good conversation helps today. A shared tool helps you avoid the same knot next month.
An agreement turns what you talked about into something you can both come back to: limits, check-ins and what happens when something feels off.
Write an agreement togetherTags
- #porn
- #boundaries
- #friends
- #betrayal
- #image consent