Key points
- Do a short physical check right after the scene
- Have the fuller talk once both of you are rested
- Both partners share, not only the bottom
- Curiosity works better than defending yourself
- Write down what you want to keep or change
In detail
- Right after: check for injuries, pain, thirst and temperature, and ask whether the person needs anything now
- Later: a day or a few days afterwards, when the drop has passed and you can both think clearly
- Useful questions: What felt best? Was there a moment you were unsure? Did anything surprise you? Is there something you want to do differently?
- Use "I" statements: "I felt nervous when the blindfold went on" is easier to hear than "You rushed"
- Mention physical aftereffects: bruises, soreness, stiffness, sleep, mood
- Update your agreements together if limits or wishes have changed
- End with something you appreciated about each other
Warnings
- Do not hold the full debrief while someone is in sub drop or dom drop
- A debrief is not the place to pressure someone into saying it was great
- If a limit or safeword was ignored, treat it as a serious consent issue, not a feedback point
Resources and next steps
- The guide on aftercare on this site
- The guide on renegotiating agreements on this site
- The guide on when safewords are violated on this site
- The agreement builder on this site to record changes